Wrimos of Hawai'i

So, anyone who's up and able and willing, we'll be meeting Thursday at 8:00 at Kuykendall Hall at UH Manoa. Tony may have actors for us. If not, we still got us. Filming is set to take place in my office in Gartley Hall. The building'll be locked at this time of night, so I guess you should call Tony's cell if you're coming in later than that so that we can let you in.

But, without further ado:

"The Most Romantic Love Scene EVER"
By Kati Corlew and Tony Pisculli

(opening song: The Most Romantic Song in the World, by Kati Corlew)
G D A C
La da da da, this is romantic music
Everyone who hears it
Falls in love while they listen to it
La da da da, this is romantic music
It’s the most romantic song in the world

[OPEN TO: a downward shot of a desktop. A notebook is placed on its surface. Throughout the entire scene, only the notebook is shown, with pages turning as the story progresses. The speaking characters are off-screen, excepting hands shown turning pages or making certain gestures.]

CYRUS
What is this?

EMILY
(opens notebook) The Most Romantic Love Scene Ever! The story of how Emily met Cyrus. See, here’s you, and here’s me, and we’re at the Seedy Bar Name where Brenda ditched me to go off with that guy and I was beset upon from all sides by thugs and ruffians and you saved me.

CYRUS
Uh, sure.

EMILY
So, I wrote out the dialogue of how it happened. I’ll play you and you can play me.

CYRUS
Why?

EMILY
It’ll be fun; it’s cute. (drops voice to baritone) ‘I’m Cyrus, I’m all alone in the bar, just sitting here waiting for love to fall in my lap. Oh! Who is that vision of beauty who has just walked in with that skank Brenda?’

CYRUS
Who’s Brenda?

EMILY
My friend who ditched me that night. My ex friend.

CYRUS
I thought you went there alone.

EMILY
What? I would never go to that skeezy place by myself. She dragged me.

CYRUS
Whatever.

EMILY
(continues lines) ‘She is an angel in this hellish place, with skin like buttercream frosting. I would never have a chance with such a classy woman.’

(silence)

EMILY
It’s your turn. Read my lines.

CYRUS
Gasp.

EMILY
You’re not supposed to say it!

CYRUS
It says gasp.

EMILY
It’s a stage direction, don’t you know anything?

CYRUS
I’m not going to gasp.

EMILY
Fine, I’ll do it. (she gasps).

CYRUS
‘Oh no—‘

EMILY
No! Do my voice.

CYRUS
What? No.

EMILY
(whiny) Cy-rus, pleeeease?!

CYRUS
(in falsetto) ‘Oh no, I’m all done here.’

EMILY
Alone! I’m all alone here.

CYRUS
It says done.

EMILY
That’s a-l-o-n-e, not d-o-n-e

CYRUS
I can’t read this.

EMILY
You’re doing fine. Go on.

CYRUS
(falsetto) ‘Oh no, I’m all alone here….’

(Emily gasps)

CYRUS
What?

EMILY
I’m gasping. It’s dramatical.

CYRUS
(falsetto) ‘I’m all alone here and I need a hero. There are no gentlemen in this place. The… the bartender fucks a nut at me?’

EMILY
Oh my god!

CYRUS
What the fuck?

EMILY
Flicks! Flicks! The bartender flicks a nut at me. FLICKS!

CYRUS
He flicks a nut at you? What does that even mean?

EMILY
He flicked a peanut at me. You know, like, pyooo (demonstrates on the notebook). It was really rude.

CYRUS
He fucked a nut at you.

EMILY
Shut up! Don’t ruin it. This is serious. This is for our kids.

CYRUS
What kids?

EMILY
You know, our kids we’ll have someday, Bobby and Little Emily.

CYRUS
We’re not even engaged.

EMILY
Yet.

CYRUS
You said no.

EMILY
Noo… I just didn’t say yes. We’re just waiting until you can afford a proper ring.

CYRUS
So we can have Bobby and Little Emily? Why can’t we have a Little Cyrus?

EMILY
Oh, Cyrus is a terrible name. (silence) For a baby. For a baby! You’re not a baby, are you? Let’s go on. So, I was all scared, and then you come up and say, (baritone) ‘Heaven is missing an angel.’

CYRUS
I didn’t say that.

EMILY
(baritone) ‘Your outer beauty is only outshone by your inner beauty, which radiates from your sparkling eyes. And in your eyes I see the reflection of the man I could be. Your love is my redemption.’ (pause) Go on. Read mine.

CYRUS
(shrill falsetto) ‘I will accept your love with the grace of a – princess.’ (scoffs)

EMILY
Cyrus!

CYRUS
What? I’m reading my lines. This is good. Princess is good. (shrill falsetto) ‘I will accept your love with the grace of a princess. I am up to the challenge of helping you become a new man. A better man. With a better job. A respectable job and respectable friends. Worthy of the love of a princess.'

EMILY
(baritone) ‘I don’t deserve the love of a princess. I should just go sleep with that skank Brenda.’

CYRUS
Who the fuck is Brenda?!

EMILY
From page one. Admit it. You’d rather have some other skank.

CYRUS
I don’t want some other skank. I want you.

EMILY
Really?

CYRUS
Really.

[blackout]

EMILY
What are you doing?

CYRUS
I’m fucking my nuts at you.

[Credits]